Holy crap! I've got it!

I've never been a heart rate trainer. I like to separate things into two categories: The Way I Do It, and The Way Pussies Do It. Since I don't train to heart rate, that means it's for pussies.

I understand the whole heartrate training theory thing, and when done right I can see how it would work. However, there are too many problems with it:

1. It's too variable. If someone almost hits you with their car, your heartrate may go up to 180 beats per minute. That doesn't mean that it's a Zone 4 workout. If you're tired your heart rate may not get up high enough, or it may go up too high. It's affected by heat, cold, stress, what you eat, and whether you have to pee. It's reactive, so your heartrate is always a minute or so behind what you're actually doing. If you're a slave to your heartrate monitor, then you'll never do your workout as you're supposed to, because your heartrate will never be a measure of exactly how hard you're working.
2. My heartrate monitor chafes me when I run. We're talking giant, raw holes in my chest that take a week to heal. Luckily I'm sponsored by Aquaphor, which takes care of my chafing issues.
   
3. Zones are always shifting. Figuring out your zones based on 220 minus your age is like clothes shopping based on the assumption that the average American woman is 5'4", 150 lb, a size 8, and a 36 C so therefore those must be your sizes too. Your max heartrate might be higher. Your lactate threshold may be 85% of that number, or it may be 90% of that... or 70%. Next month those numbers may be different depending on how you train. Most athletes who are tuned in enough to do their zones right have good enough perceived exertion that they don't need the HRM. Because I know everything, I assume that I'm a member of that group.
   
4. The strap is one more thing to lose. The watch is one more thing to lose. And you have to remember to put them on. Heartrate monitors are clearly too much responsibility for me.
5. Exercise equipment tells me that I'm going to die. On a treadmill I have run for an hour at about 188 bpm. No problem. But I couldn't see any of the information that is usually displayed on the screen because there was always a message flashing that I'd better slow the fuck down. On top of that, all the treadmills around me were telling the people on them that they were going to die too. Because 188 is more than 85% of 220 minus 26, ergo imminent death. If the person next to me was wearing a heart rate monitor too, then the machines would add them together, and the treadmill's safety mechanism would kick in and it would turn off automatically.
6. Training by heartrate is for pussies. I run on treadmills until I am on the brink of death. Clearly, I am not a pussy.

When I took up with a coach who lived thousands of miles away, I knew that I was going to have to train with a heartrate monitor, but I secretly planned to ignore everything heartrate-related that didn't agree with what I wanted to be doing at that exact moment. But now that I'm starting to collect data (especially about running), I'm fascinated with what my heart is telling me.

First of all, I ran an "all-out" (his words) 10K test last week. I ran 48:35, which is faster than I've ever run a 10K before. As is my style, I felt great for the first 1.5 miles, and was afraid that I was going to shit my pants for the last 4.7. My average heartrate for that run was 175, so we set that as my threshold heartrate, only 1 bpm above my threshold heartrate for the bike. Interesting...

Then I ran an easy trail run in the woods, just noodling up and down the hills, picking my way slowly aroun rocks, running 5.5 miles in an hour. My breathing was easy the whole time. I had the poo problem in the beginning, but then I stopped taking the hills so hard and it calmed down. My average heartrate was 175. Hmmmmm...

Then I ran 8.5 miles when it was 91º out and humid. I ran slower than your grandma would run, and felt like I could have done the log roll faster. I know that the heat affects your heartrate, but I was going S L O W. Know what my average heartrate was? 175. There were times when I looked down and saw numbers in the 180's. I checked in with my breathing: everything was good. Very, very interesting. For me to get over 175 on the bike, I have to be pushing so hard that my jaw drops to my chest and I'm breathing like an asthmatic. Here I was, supposedly 5 beats above my running threshold and breathing like I was just out for a stroll.

Interesting...

As I mentioned before, I've run for an hour with a heartrate of 188 and felt like I could have kept going forever (if only the poop would stop thunking around in my large intestine). Hardly the wind-sucking efforts that Zone 4 means on the bike. So maybe 175 isn't my true run threshold afterall... (chalk up one point for Claire, no points for the pussies!)

Interesting...

Looking at past results with my coach, he thought I have a tendency to take it out too fast on the bike, then blow up on the run. Au contraire. I pointed out that in triathlons and runs alike, my first 2 miles are consistently MUCH faster, even faster than my "threshold pace" according to the 10K test. I have 2 good miles, and then I fall apart. That's true in triathlon runs and road runs alike. Clearly, I have a problem with pacing. Then it hit me...

EURIKA! It's the shit!

I can run fast for about a mile and a half before suddenly my intestines start rotting out my anus. There's never actually any poo involved, just a feeling that I have to poo; but it's enough to slow me down. I can breathe when I'm running fast, that's not the problem... It's the phantom poo!

What's my heartrate when I'm running fast? Well usually it's just slightly above 175... my supposed "threshold" on the run, which is clearly not any kind of threshold if I can breathe just fine when I'm holding it. So forget anaerobic thresholds and lactate thresholds, my important threshold that I need to tease up is my POO threshold! Who knows, maybe I've been a decent runner this whole time, but never knew it because I always had to poo before I hit my max pace? Maybe. So from here on out, I'll be watching my heart to learn about my intestines to become a better runner.