A sad, sad, sad post

First of all, I want to thank everyone for the outpouring of well-wishes and support. Am I okay? No, I don't really think so. But someday I will be, and the idea that I'm going to get over this someday (and the work that it's going to take to get there) makes me feel worse. But I'm not drinking and I'm not dead or in jail, and that's what everyone wants to know.

From one moment to the next, I feel like my whole life was taken from me. I really thought that Grease Monkey was The One. We were moving in together, we were excited about it, and I was still so in love after a year. She appeared to be that way too. I had stopped thinking about my future, and started thinking of it as our future. Her things had become our things. My routine had become our routine. Even when things were shitty, I went through life in a good mood because I was in love.

And then in an instant that was all gone; Not only the girl I loved and whose face was the bright point in my day, but also our future, our routine, and seemingly the whole year that we'd had together that we were happy. Because if she could just turn on a dime like that and throw me out with yesterday's paper, what did that mean for this past year when we'd been so happy? Was she using me? Had she been lying every time she'd said she loved me recently? She even tried to throw me out of my house and threatened legal action to do it (forget that she didn't have a legal leg to stand on). How could someone who had bought me gifts a few days before now be telling me she wanted every trace of me gone from her life?

How does someone come back from that? How do I plan for the future when even my past has been taken from me? To make new plans without her means consciously discarding all the plans I had with her. And I'm just not ready to do that. So I'm stuck here in this place that I want so badly NOT to be. Crying sometimes, staring at the wall others, feeling numb mostly, and depressed all the time. I get out of bed, I go to work, I ride my bike, I study for my ACSM exam, but that's all because it's just something that I have to do, so I show up and I do it and when it's done I go back to just wanting to sit and stare at a blank wall.

On a good note, I don't really want to drink anymore. I'm no longer frantically, desperately distraught looking for anything to get me out of how I'm feeling. Right now I just want to sit exactly where I am (emotionally) because no matter which direction I try to go--up or down--it's going to be more painful than it is right here. Alcohol amplifies emotions, and I don't want to feel anything. Last night I asked her about how this came to be, and the ensuing conversation was so painful that I actually had to leave in the middle to hang my head over the toilet because I was going to vomit. No thank you, I'd rather not feel for the time being.

I've actually been thinking about suicide for the first time in my adult life. I would never, ever, ever, ever, EVER do it. Suicide is the most selfish thing a person could do to the world and the people that love them. But thinking about it and acting on it are two different things. When I lie there in my bed staring at the ceiling and trying to figure out how to get through my day, it's just like, Why even bother? I have nothing to live for anymore anyway. I don't want to move on, or move forward and I can't go back. I wish I could stop going altogether.

It's crazy the things you think when someone you love hurts you this badly. You go to a dark place in your head and thoughts that look so psycho when you see them on the news actually occur to you, like, If I can't have her, no one will. Or, If she's taken away everything that I love, then let's see how she likes it without everything she loves. Or the PJ Harvey line that keeps playing over and over in my head, "I might as well be dead, but I could kill you instead." Again, I would never, ever, ever, ever, EVER act on these thoughts. It's not me, it's the pain talking. But along with everything else, I also seem to have lost my mind. How can you think about moving forward when you've lost your past, your future, your life, your love, and your mind?

Who cares about riding a bike?
Who cares about building a career?
Who cares about looking for someone new?
Who cares about improving my body, mind, or spirit?
Who cares if I eat Cadbury Eggs and pizza all day long?

I really need to run away. Just start all over in a completely new place. If I had any money to my name, I'd pick up the few things that I own and get in the car and head for Southern California right now. But right now I don't have the gas money to get to Connecticut let alone California. So here I am, sober, sad, stuck, and psychotic. I'll let you all know when I'm back to being the old Claire. It should be soon, I can't live like this forever. But for right now, this is where I am.