I've had some particularly heinous race photos over the course of my athletic career. And because I can't help but humiliate myself to strangers on the internet, I've decided to share these abominations with you in a public service announcement to race photographers everywhere:
Do NOT:
Do NOT take our pictures when we are an embarrassing shade of red, purple, or blue. We would rather not know we look like that in public, and certainly will not be showing this picture to our friends.
DO NOT take our picture in a position that is going to make us look fat.
DO NOT take our picture when we are giving threattening or loathing looks at the camera.
DO NOT take our picture when we are being passed by someone who is walking.
DO NOT take our picture if we look like we have already died and are already going through the height of rigor mortis.
DO NOT take our picture if we are licking diluted snot off our faces in the 5 minutes after the swim.
DO NOT take our picture from an angle where we will come out in shadow. Don't they teach that in Photography 101? DO NOT bother to post these photos on the web site.
DO NOT stand so far away from the finish line that not even our own mothers would recognize us in the shot.
Do NOT take our pictures when we are an embarrassing shade of red, purple, or blue. We would rather not know we look like that in public, and certainly will not be showing this picture to our friends.
DO NOT take our picture in a position that is going to make us look fat.
DO NOT take our picture when we are giving threattening or loathing looks at the camera.
DO NOT take our picture when we are being passed by someone who is walking.
Mile 25.7 is NOT a moment anyone wants to relive. Save your film for the finish line.
DO NOT take our picture if we are licking diluted snot off our faces in the 5 minutes after the swim.
DO NOT take our picture from an angle where we will come out in shadow. Don't they teach that in Photography 101? DO NOT bother to post these photos on the web site.
And, of course there are some things that you, as an athlete, can do to prevent bad photo mojo.
The Dos and Don'ts of race photos
Should you choose to wear something on your head to hold your hair back, be sure it is actually holding back your hair, and not knocking down your sunglasses. Do NOT let your accessories compete.
DO wear sunscreen.
Should you sign up for a race, DO make sure your bottom half is supportive of your goals. You do not want to get half way there and have your posterior turn around and go the other way without you.
If you see a photographer up ahead, the pictures will be way cooler if you stealthy try to make a muscle rather than smiling at the camera. DO make a muscle, DON'T smile. People who smile at the camera look like tools.
Buy a helmit smaller than the state of Rhode Island.
What I really want to know is, where all the lost photos go. You're out there and you see a photographer up ahead. You make sure there's no one around you, you put on your best runner's form and game face, you flex the muscles on that side of your body so you look ripped. You take note of what landmarks are behind you so you can find this photo more easily later. You see the photographer point at you, but the photo never materializes. What happened to all those photos? I've even yelled, "Hey, take my picture!" and the picture has gone to the great lost and found in the sky. And then I get stuck with THIS crap. What the heck?!
9 comments:
Thanks for the list...tough to keep in mind when delirious on the race course and sometime the photographer just captures that look of 'where am i'...not pretty, but sorta funny.
I thought the Big Kanhunna/ wear sunscreen photo looked kinda cool...if it's any consolation, putting your head down and cussing out the wind in front of the photogrpher doesn't make for a good shot either.
Hilarious!!! Thanks for sharing your pics. Pretty well all of my pictures are absolutely terrible. I seem to be shuffling in most of them. The best picture from the Disney Marathon was at the point when I was in so much pain. There were photographers in man lifts over the road and I was in a bunch of pain so I was pretty well walking by this point. I saw the photographers, started running and smiled up. As soon as myself and another man passed the cameras we looked at each other and made a comment that it was time to walk again and we were only running for the good shot. Thankfully that one actually turned out...
http://www.asiorders.com/view_user_photo.asp?EVENTID=25142&ID=45466968&FROM=photos&BIB=13352
Check it out, it even looks like I'm getting some air!
You look totally ripped in these, what are you talking about?? I don't think I've met anyone who has liked any of their race photos. I know I hate all of mine, but I still manage to look at them when they come through my fingers. I don't get the ridiculous cost either. And does anyone really buy the poster size? I don't want to know...
Thank God I am not the only one. I actually thought I had pissed off all the photographers and they were trying to get me back.
Thanks for saving, and sharing those crimes of photography. You don't look so bad actually, but I hear (and see) what you're saying.
Race pictures of me NEVER turn out right. I always look like a sack of potatos with two hams sticking out from the bottom. I don't have issues about my weight, but if I paid any attention to the race photos, I would.
NY races have post-race photos past the finish line, so you can at least pose. Those suck, too, so I figured out the best way around it. Get your photo taken BEFORE the race, when you actually look like a human being, and throw the rest away.
Anyway, thank you!
Hysterical! My favorites are the ones where you look like you might kill the photographer.
At the end (like the last 300 yards) of running the Boston Marathon last year a photographer shot me helping up a woman who had fallen. I looked very concerned--kinda like the sweetest Mommy ever...
What he didn't know (or maybe he did) is that I tripped that woman b/c she had cut me off and that I was the cause of her total face plant!
Yeah, I always have my tongue hanging out of my mouth on the bike. Even better, when I was racing for USC, we had the edgiest (read: sluttiest) uniforms on the west coast collegiate circuit. Our tri shorts were low-cut, and our tops would inevitably turn into very un-flattering bras. So I have some absolutely awesome pictures of my big ol' gut hanging out for all to see, not to mention some excellent pictures of my dumb-ass tan (you know--that stupid sunburn you get right above your butt because your jersey rode up too high and you didn't think to put sunscreen there).
Excellent post. I really did laugh right out loud.
Ah, I love this post. Even skinny bints look fat some days and that makes me happy. But I have to say you do NOT look like a tool while wearing my t-shirt!
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