Dead Meat

Weeks ago an email was circulated among the bike shop groupies for an indoor time trial at the Harpoon brewery (they put us all on computrainers, plug in our weight, and then we all ride the same simulated course). It billed itself as just a fun way to stay in shape this winter. It was SUPPOSED to be fun! ...And I quote:

Right about now you are already thinking about how you should get on your trainer to keep in shape for the 2009 season. And we know you miss the adrenaline rush of racing...Can you imagine a better scene than racing among the tanks of your favorite brewery? We can't either.

Harmless, right? Well... other than the fact that I'd be in a brewery, and I'd have to pass up 2 beers from my favorite brewery at the end. So I sent in my $30 and signed up. NO SOONER had I sent in my entry form, when the thread from the bike shop groupies spit up the following response:

You all will need the 2 beers as anesthesia. This is the traditional Team Psycho TT that has been opened to us mortals. I have seen some of the participants revisit their breakfast. Not even being close to in shape I will forego participating but wish all those who do good luck.

Oh. Fuck.

For those of you who do not live in the area, Team Psycho is the local elite team. And we're not talking small-town elite. We're talking some world-class pro's. Team Psycho is also the team of Her Royal Highness Herself, CoaPB. Have I mentioned that I just came off a run block and haven't been riding? My total trainer volume is less than half what it was this time last year, despite having the flu for several weeks.

I was nervous, but had managed to all but put it out of my mind when Elite Bike Chick came in to Masters this morning and said, "Hey! I saw your name on the Time Trial list for this weekend." There's a list??? So I looked. I looked, and then I ran to the bathroom to break Claire's No. 1 Rule of Public Pooping: Don't, because what I saw there made me feel like I was going to shit my pants. Seriously. In my heat are:

Karen Smyers
Ironman world champion and recent inductee into the USAT Hall of Fame, capable of riding a race this distance at nearly 26 mph.

Dede Griesbauer
Pro triathlete, 10th in Kona this year, capable of riding this distance at roughly 25.5 mph.

Aforementioned Elite Bike Racer Chick from my Masters Team
Pro cyclist with international racing career, capable of riding such events at nearly 25 mph.

C*** on a P*** Bike
Elite triathlete, capable of ripping me to shreds, no matter how she rides.

Other riders
One capable of finishing this race at over 24 mph. For others no information is available.

And then there's me.
Capable of only holding a flimsy 22.5 mph for a flat-to-rolling 15K when in shape. Not in shape. Likely to make an ass of herself.

The worst part is that, on the road, you can't see how far you are behind everyone else until everyone's gone home, and all egos are spared. Here, though, we're just going to be on computrainers, sitting next to each other.

One by one, people are going to get off. First Karen Smyers, then Dede Griesbauer, then the other elite and pro road riders. And at the end, the only people who are going to be left on their bikes are going to be me, and if I'm lucky, CoaPB. I'm screwed.